Discipline

When we talk about discipline it can be a touchy subject. It can be offensive for anyone to comment on struggling parents discipline techniques, or lack thereof. Most of us struggle to get our children to behave in a way that is appropriate and acceptable yet we have little information on how to do this. Most of the time we resort to our parents’ discipline style whether it was effective or not. 

When I was younger, my main motivation to complete my chores or to treat my siblings nicely was out of fear. Most punishment we received was in the form of physical punishment. Some say that the disciplinary problems of today’s youth are due to their lack of experience with corporal punishment. I can tell you from experience that the consequences of physical punishment is not the outcome we want for our children. Effects of this discipline style include sorrow, rebellion, bitterness, and violence. There has to be a better way.

The following story helps exemplify the heartbreaking harm that harsh discipline can have upon our children. 

“[There was an] old pastor's wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn't believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking - - the first of his life. And she told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with. 

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, 'Mama, I couldn't find a switch, but here's a rock that you can throw at me.'

All of a sudden, the mother understood how the situation felt from the child's point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy onto her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because violence begins in the nursery - - one can raise children into violence." (Nilson, 1992)

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8MylQ_VPUI&feature=emb_logo

Fortunately, there are tools to help us in discipling our children while still respecting their agency and emotional health. 

The videos below show two different parenting styles. One is clear, respectful and authoritative. The other is strict, harsh, and authoritarian. Which one you want for your family? Which style seems easier?

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mPUipBbAyY&feature=emb_logo

I saw two different parenting styles in these videos. The clip with Steven Covey described an authoritative, loving, and patient father. He gave clear rules to his son and was supportive of the responsibilities. He also allowed his son to choose for himself how and when he would take care of the yard. This was effective in developing a respectful and loving relationship where the son felt comfortable in his accountability to his father. This was such a positive interaction, yet it required a great amount of wisdom and patience from the father. He cared more about the process of learning than he did about blind, strict obedience. Do we want children who 

The family from Dr. Phil seemed like a more authoritarian style of parenting. The mother was very strict with her strong-willed daughter and thought the only way to break her will was to be even more harsh and demanding. The little girl did not feel love from her mother and did not get the age-appropriate autonomy that she desired.

Which one would you choose? Which style would give you the most desired outcome?

If we follow the authoritative parenting style from Steven Covey’s experience, we can expect respectful, resilient, successful, and capable adults. That is really what we need more of in this world. Children who have work ethic, know how to manage their time, and who can overcome obstacles. The clear and firm expectations that were given allowed the boy to understand what was expected from him and also the opportunity for success. The tantrum-throwing toddler did have clear expectations but they were rigid and centered around strict directions from her mom. There was no opportunity for the girl to choose for herself, no opportunity to try something, succeed, and finally please her mom.

Inevitably there will be times when we need to discipline our children. If we do so with love, we will be able to have a much bigger influence on our children than if we use harsh punishment. These five steps of effective punishment from Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D. are the perfect recipe for dealing with correcting our children without harshness.

Steps from the book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D.

References:

[Franklyn Covey]. (2017, August 15). Green And Clean [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8MylQ_VPUI&feature=emb_logo.

[Dr. Phil]. (2019, September 23). Phil's Files (2002): “Biggest Mistakes Parents Make” Pt. 1. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mPUipBbAyY&feature=emb_logo.

Lisbet Nilson. (1992). Pippi Power: An Interview with Astrid Lingren. Parenting. 

Steinberg, L. D. (2005). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.